jenifriend

I’m a naturally fearful person. Fearful is my middle name. Next to Lee. To the right of it. Jeni Lee Fearful Friend. That’s me.

I double-checked all the doors in my house. And just for good measure, I locked my bedroom door too. Because I’m afraid of what happened once. That one time in college when that one guy took a nine-iron to my door and tried to get to me in a drunken/angry/crazy rage. I keep the light in the bathroom turned on while Jeremy’s away, because the light soothes me. The darkness cripples me. I’m vulnerable and petrified of who I can’t see through the thickness of the pitch black. I’m convinced that someone is after me.

Then somehow, in the midst of my fear, I am convinced that someone is covering me. Blanketing me in love and security. God. Lost in prayer and mumbling to myself, I surrender to an exhaustion-induced slumber.

If I die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take.

It’s silly…the fear that cripples me. That fear that prevents me from even walking to the mailbox alone or without Jeremy watching from the doorway if dusk has already passed. That fear that has me walking with my finger on the car alarm button when I’m anywhere in public. That fear that prevents me from having full faith in God.

Lord, I surrender. I choose trust. In you, my beautiful Savior. I’m the only thing keeping me from releasing this fear. I’m ready to strip the blinds from the windows and let your light shine through my darkness. I know you’ll lead me through to the end of this tunnel and bring me to a warmth that radiates through my every being. I trust that my vulnerability is not an invite for you to hurt me; it’s an invite for you to heal me. Heal me, Lord. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

17.5/100

After much complaining about my weight and lack of losing it, Jeremy dragged demanded encouraged me to reopen my membership at our local gym.

Monday is my favorite of days (really) when we do chest and triceps. I arrived yesterday to him telling me to pick up both 10 and 20 lb weights.

Wait…what?  20 lbs? You’re kidding right? Isn’t that, like, the equivalent of benchpressing my niece?  Anyways, after about 30 seconds worth of tantrum-throwing begging politely requesting that I use a lesser weight, I gave in.  I continued to complain through my first set of 20 lb free-weight benchpressing until I noticed in the mirror a man doing arm exercises on another machine and exercising with no complaints.

And one arm.

After a moment of staring (I admit it…I’m a starer…very far off from being a glancer) I heard it in my heart.

What do you have to complain about, Jeni?

Touché, self.  Touché.

When I’m complaining about lifting two weights, he’s trying to assemble himself to lift one. When I’m complaining that my clothes aren’t relative to the workout (I really tried this as an excuse once), he’s enduring the pinch of a prosthetic with every motion. When I’m complaining because I’m not seeing enough progress for my own standards, he’s continuing to work out an arm that may never gain strength again.

Thanks for the reminder, God. I needed it yesterday. 

17.5/100

A month of looking at the big picture was a challenge.  That’s an understatement.  It was a rather large challenge.

I enjoy seeing the details, remembering the small moments that are otherwise insignificant to others…I find significance there.  So I tried to see life through a different sort of lens this month…it wasn’t easy.  But I did my best…

Coasters sealed with hugs and kisses…that was my favorite bigger picture moment this month.

The rest you can see here…the ones before you can see here.

15/100

Fullness.  Stuffed.  An act of overindulgence.

Yes.  That was us.  The day we tested wedding cake flavors.

12.5/100

I barely slept.  Fell asleep late.  Woke up early.  Really early.  4:00am kind-of early.  Oy.

So I called up the HTB and listened to him breathe.  It was familiar in this unfamiliar place.  Beneath these coarse blankets with the sand accumulated at my feet…he was my calm.  Any other guy from my past would have hit the red button on their cellie – for all the times I give him grief for not answering…he always answers when I need him to answer most.  Right now.  This moment.

My love kept me company until the sun began to rise.  6:45am.  I left him to his slumber and found my way to the beach.  With friends.  To discover the most beautiful of skies fashioned by God.

He can make quite the impression on my soul.

10/100

Many a new things are happening here.  God’s been redirecting my path lately to be a friend instead of needing a friend.  It’s been terribly difficult, but in the past few weeks I’ve learned a few things:

1.  I love my HTB.  Just when I think it’s not possible to adore him more, he goes and ups the anty and I fall even more in love with him.  I am grateful to God for working on his heart and helping him to be a great leader in our family; he’s doing a fantastic job of it.

2.  Everybody is going through something.  Believe it or not, my problems are simply that.  My problems.  And only me and God and whomever He calls to be included in the journey I’m taking are involved in the fixing of that problem.

3.  There are going to be people who I am not meant to be friends with.  This is okay.  God has bigger plans in store for the way in which my friendship will be directed.

4.  The light at the end of the tunnel is streaming through.  He has given me focus.  He has given me diligence.  He has given me energy.  He has given me proof that He will help me succeed in all He needs me to succeed in.  Everything else…it’s just fluff. 

Through all this my favorite quote rings true in my mind and continues to motivate me in knowing we are all going to be okay, as long as we believe.

“When you get to the edge of all the light you know and are about to step off into darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to land on, or you will be taught to fly.”

And for my friends

Jenna: Proverbs 3:5-6
Chelsea: Matthew 6:34
The mean people who have invaded my life: Just read Romans.  Please.

7.5/100

So there I was…perusing the pillow and rug aisle at Big Lots searching for the perfect rug to put in front of our garage door (which I found) and the perfect rug to place beneath the pup’s food bowl (which I also found) and…perhaps if I could find one decently priced…a decorative pillow.

Which I found. 

So there I was…reaching and crouching and reaching and sifting, searching for all the little perfections to our new home.  I noticed two…maybe three…couples come into the aisle and swiftly turn around to leave again.  Thinking nothing of it, I continued to reach and crouch and reach and sift.  I found what I wanted and tossed the items into the cart.

That’s when I reached for the itch in the middle of my back…

…and that’s when I felt it…the top of my tube top…around my waistline.  In the midst of my reaching and crouching my top had somehow shimmied itself underneath my bra and around my waistline.  So there I was, standing in the middle of the damn aisle…with my goods showing underneath of my one-button-closed cardigan.

The moral of the story = make sure the elastic on your tube top is…elasticy.

It was really just a dream.  It certainly wasn’t something I thought we could make happen, not with our busy schedules and financially-strapped wallets.

Yet somehow, by the grace of God and one free plane ticket, I made it there.  So we did what good friends do…we set out to fulfill the goal…

we hit the coast, BABY!!!!

…and we had a blast.  A swim-in-the-ocean-at-midnight, play-Farkle-in-the-sand kind of blast.  A laugh-until-we-cry, drink-wine-from-the-bottle kind of blast.  A hug-so-hard-we-almost-fall-over-because-we-miss-each-other-on-a-minute-by-minute-basis kind of blast.  A you’re-the-greatest-friend-no-you’re-the-greatest-friend kind of blast.

This month I challenged myself in my 365 Challenge (A piece of the 101 in 1001 pie) to look at the “bigger picture.”  This doesn’t necessarily require a wide angle lens, but for literal purposes it certainly doesn’t hurt.  While photographically this has really been a challenge in every sense of the word, the bigger picture in my life has made itself much more apparent.

They came in small waves, in groups of ones and threes and fours.  The house turned from the lull of the radio to torrents of giggles and chatter and banter.  With the crock pots dropped to a simmer, people fed their bellies and, hopefully, their souls.

Family.  The bigger picture…and without hesitation we live Ruth’s words…

“Don’t ask me to leave you and turn back.  Where you go, I will go; wherever you live, I will live.  Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God.” Ruth 1:16 NLT