jenifriend

I’m a naturally fearful person. Fearful is my middle name. Next to Lee. To the right of it. Jeni Lee Fearful Friend. That’s me.

I double-checked all the doors in my house. And just for good measure, I locked my bedroom door too. Because I’m afraid of what happened once. That one time in college when that one guy took a nine-iron to my door and tried to get to me in a drunken/angry/crazy rage. I keep the light in the bathroom turned on while Jeremy’s away, because the light soothes me. The darkness cripples me. I’m vulnerable and petrified of who I can’t see through the thickness of the pitch black. I’m convinced that someone is after me.

Then somehow, in the midst of my fear, I am convinced that someone is covering me. Blanketing me in love and security. God. Lost in prayer and mumbling to myself, I surrender to an exhaustion-induced slumber.

If I die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take.

It’s silly…the fear that cripples me. That fear that prevents me from even walking to the mailbox alone or without Jeremy watching from the doorway if dusk has already passed. That fear that has me walking with my finger on the car alarm button when I’m anywhere in public. That fear that prevents me from having full faith in God.

Lord, I surrender. I choose trust. In you, my beautiful Savior. I’m the only thing keeping me from releasing this fear. I’m ready to strip the blinds from the windows and let your light shine through my darkness. I know you’ll lead me through to the end of this tunnel and bring me to a warmth that radiates through my every being. I trust that my vulnerability is not an invite for you to hurt me; it’s an invite for you to heal me. Heal me, Lord. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

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